this is the last time i make time to help someone else, so that they can turn around and make me feel guilty for asking them for help.

it’s 12:58am and i can’t sleep. and i could say maybe it’s the coffee, but the last drop was 14 hours ago, and even my tiny, caffeine intolerant body must have processed that by now.

really it’s my mind, it just won’t stop. i know i have a tendency to overthink things. once he said that i become like a different person, and i become crazy when i am by myself and i think. because i just jump to these conclusions, and i can’t seem to help it.

& that is what i am doing and that is why i can’t sleep, but i don’t think it’s just crazy talk. for a while i’ve been feeling like i’m letting myself down a little. one of my new year’s resolutions was don’t settle, for fairly good reason. last year i got hurt pretty badly, and i dont think he will ever realise just how much because of how wrapped up in his own problems he was.  i worked out that i could be strong enough to walk away from something if it was for the best. i thought if i needed to i could do it again. so i ended up jumping back in.

but is there a point where you’ve shared so much with someone that it’s too late for that? sometimes i worry that i just dive into things without thinking about it, and then i feel it all later.

thinking back on my first relationship, i realised that S knew how to do a grand gesture, but it was the small things that i was most touched by. when i remember things that he did for me now, i don’t think back to the big surprise trip to melbourne. i think back to the notes he wrote me, or the birthday card he tracked down because he knew how cute i thought it was. i think back to walking out of my english exam to see him waiting with my favourite kind of cookie. i think of how he had gone out of his way to be there when i came out of my first exam, and how he had just had knee surgery and was still on crutches. i think back to how he always remembered our anniversary every month even when i didn’t. the little things counted so much, even more than the big gestures. when i think of S now, we have grown so far apart it’s hard to believe that ever happened. there aren’t any feelings left there, but at the time the little things meant so much.

the boy now thinks that all i want is grand gestures and tiffany and co. and it is true that every girl loves romance and i am no exception. however it is also true though that i’ve come to accept that i will never receive it from him. in some ways it’s like, ok i get it. you can’t expect someone to be something that they’re not. but to me, being romantic isn’t a character trait; it’s showing thought. romantic and considerate are basically intertwined for me. it’s the effort of wanting to do something for someone because you care about them just that much. it isn’t about money, it’s about time. time thinking about someone and what you can do to make them smile.

every girl just wants to know that she isn’t being taken for granted. that she is appreciated. she wants someone to say i miss you, instead of i miss you too.

and i’ve just let it slide. isn’t that settling? i have always known that i wanted magic in my relationships, to be swept off my feet and wowed. but more than that, i’ve always wanted consistency in affection. i’ve always wanted to feel secure in the knowledge that someone else adored me, all the time. that they were always thinking of ways they could make me happy, not because i wanted them to but because they wanted to. maybe that’s really self centred, but to compensate i’ve always tried to make the other person know that i am always thinking of them, and to do little gestures that show that.

even when things arent the greatest and i’m having a terrible day and being awful, i’ve always wanted someone to look past that and recognise that i just need a hug and to not make it into something personal. or to come and surprise me just because they missed me, not because i kept asking them to come. or to call me up because they know that i feel lonely in this city.

in the beginning they always try, but then it’s like they just stop caring. is it because once they know what you’re really like, they think you aren’t worth the effort anymore?

This day, last year..

“Tonight’s the kind of night where everything can change.”

That night wasn’t meant to be special. It was just the last escape, the final taste of freedom. She wasn’t even going to go, until he’d coaxed her into it. Sensing her mood, he’d done everything in his power to reverse it, and had had no qualms about sacrificing his own dignity to do it. 

Before she left the house she had put the song on, and weight of the lyrics had flitted through her mind. That night she’d be seeing him, and that made her happier than she knew it should. But she was running late, and the song was pushed to the back of her mind. She wanted everything to change, but she didn’t expect it to.

But then he leaned towards her, and he was so close. And he told her, “You’re too lovely for your own good.”

She’d been trying so hard to ignore it. But that night, the spark caught and lit. They both knew.

“Tonight’s the kind of night where everything can change.”

And it all came undone.

“Listen…you know those days when you get the mean reds?”
“The mean reds? You mean like the blues?”
“No… the blues are because you’re getting fat or because it’s been raining too long. You’re just sad, that’s all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you’re afraid and you don’t know what you’re afraid of.

Do you ever get that feeling?” 

- Breakfast at Tiffany’s (1961)